self-portraits | personal, still searching

[WARNING: non-professional, very real + messy blog post below.]

i sit here, piles of editing and texts to respond to, but my mind swirls and swings from one question to the other. 

who do i trust?

who do i believe? 

who's really right? 

is there a God? and if so, do i find him by listening to him, or do i listen to him through other people? do people's opinions matter? and if so, are they clearly right or wrong, or is there a bit of truth and lies mixed in with everything? 

these (and oh so many more) are the questions that have crowded my mind in the past few months. 

i remember having these questions three years ago, before i fell madly in love with Jesus again, and i remember being scared, confused and shamed. now i feel free, reckless, confused and maybe a little terrified. 

i remember being sixteen years old in my home school co-op days. my dad, leading the bible study, asked us what God had been teaching us. i, in my blunt overflowing state, said, "well, it's hard to answer this question, because honestly i'm not sure if i believe in a god right now." 

dead silence. oh shit (maybe it was crap in those days), i thought, that was not the right thing to say

i think i had a meltdown in the middle of that group because it was between that or bolting out the door -- i wasn't sure which one was worse. and now, three years later, i stand here with a foggy head and open heart. 

i'm not sure what to believe. who to believe. Christians have been some of the kindest people i know but also the ones to wound me deepest. after all, we're just human. we all fail; we mess-up. 

we are all searching. if we're not, we've settled or already chosen something to hope upon. something or someone to believe in. and no matter what we choose, it's gonna take some faith. faith in something. hope in something. 

what is my something? i don't know. it's probably different than your something, but more similar than you think. 

let me tell you: i'm but a whisper. life is but a blink. it's wild, scary, and spectacular -- all those things and more. i'm so small, i know hardly anything and sometimes i wonder if what i'm doing is hardly anything. i'm not really all that great, even when i get all caught up and think i am. 

i keep choosing to believe God's there; that i can trust him. he's always had my back before. i'm just not sure how all the rest fits in. 

i stand here, still confused but still wanting to love and serve. i leave for the middle east in 13 days to serve and am i ready? heck to the no. i'm so far from worthy, especially where i am now. 

but i'm going, mind clouded with questions and all, heart open and still searching. always searching. 


songs atm: 

inner peace, jon foreman

i have this hope, tenth avenue north

she said, jon foreman


and here's some self portraits i took the other week because i can't make a post without photos, ya know? fyi, i normally barely wear makeup and don't look this serious. but whatevs. i shall end this serious, rambly post with a dorky photo of me dancing with the self timer. classy. 

see? classy. if you read this far, thanks friend. hope you are having a wonderful day and don't forget to keep searching.