how I've been letting jealousy & fear rule my life

I used to be thrilled for my photographer friends. If they got a magazine feature, a dream wedding, a full schedule . . . I genuinely got excited and happy for them. Maybe there was a twinge of wishing it would happen to me, but I would be able to overcome it pretty quickly. I didn’t rely fully on my photography business, anyway. I worked another job that provided enough income to live. It was just me and my cat in my apartment. I drove myself to reach goals and aspired to be creative, but it really wasn’t about making money. There wasn’t pressure to book and I felt the freedom to create. That was how it was the first 4+ years of running my business.

Skip to the beginning of 2018. I got in a major car accident that changed me physically & mentally. While suffering from PTSD from the accident, fear ruled me every time I got into a car. And then, fear crept into other parts of my life — ruling more than my driving time.

Fear has crept into my business. I’m not longer a single chick working two jobs. I have a husband and someday want to start a family and this photography thing is my full-time gig. That terrifies me. I’m filled with insecurities, will I be good enough? Can I REALLY do what I love, all the time? Do I deserve that? Will I make or book enough to keep doing this full-time?

When I see other photographers kitting butt, I’m not immediately happy for them. I’m have to re-focus myself. Remind myself that they have their own shit, too, and that instagram makes life seem perfect. That I don’t get to see how hard they’re working. After that, it’s a little easier to be happy for them instead of jealous. Instead of feeling jealously or talking down to myself, I’m learning to use others as inspiration to push myself to greater work and greater creativity.

Here’s some photos I took before the car accident of my friend Abby in the snow, just for fun. (I promise there is some new just-for-fun work coming soon, just waiting to share it.)